I know, I know – it’s normal. Apparently, after a miscarriage, it can take a long time for hormones to return to their usual levels where I am only semi-crazy instead of full on certifiable.
Yesterday I was all out of whack. Like I couldn’t make sense of anything and I couldn’t let myself be okay with the not making sense. Like I wanted to force my life into my mold and shove, pout at, or be real mean to anyone [or any Deity] who got in my way.
Please tell me that when your hormones are misbehaving, your thoughts and emotions feel like they are coming unraveled and tumbling out of control. Please, please tell me that. If it’s not true I’m prolly officially bound for the loony bin.
“Please help me. I want to have faith. I want to depend on you. Please help me.” That [or some variation of that] is all I could pray. And by the end of yesterday I just wanted to go to sleep so I didn’t have to be awake anymore.
Sad, but true.
Today, though, God’s Word was waiting patiently for me to turn to it for guidance and sanity.
Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. 1 Peter 2:2-3
The Message says to “drink deep of God’s pure kindness [so] you’ll grow up mature and whole in God.” And it just reminded me that I know God’s kindness. I have been drinking it deep for a long time. I just have to remember that I know it. Fight the amnesia, you know?
And then as I read Sarah Young’s Jesus Calling, I was reminded to live life in this very moment. And in those moments when I’m wrought with hormonal crazies, I just have to choose to believe that He will make it better. That He will work all of this for good. That He does hear my prayers and He does answer them in His time. That He is good and kind and loving and wise. That He Is. I just have to remember that He is near even when He seems far. I just have to choose to believe enough for this moment.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
And I have to embrace my weakness – my absolute inability to do much of anything right this second – and wear it like a badge of honor. Because His power is made perfect in my weakness.