There is still another day of New York fun to share with all of you, but for now I want to attempt to tap, tap some thoughts out regarding the way the trip got down in my soul.
I deeply and truly loved NYC. It identifies with the ambition inside of me. The ambition that I chose to fore go when I chose to get married. A choice, for the record, I do not regret. But once I had a dream that I would write or edit or something snazzy like that – in big NYC. And I would rock the suits and city summer sun dresses with the best of ’em. I would jog with my dog in Central Park and dine at little hole in the wall restaurants that the tourists have yet discovered and hail cabs like a champ. Dreams are funny that way – even when you have made your peace with not achieving them, the slightest brush against their billowy extravagance awakens your heart – even if only in the smallest ways.
It wasn’t just the city, though. It wasn’t even mostly the city. It was the company. To be with seven women who are so different but manage to feel the same. Who I haven’t spent significant time with in several years but whose unity I ease into like my favorite old sweater. Who care that Gran doesn’t like escalators or that Aunt Tara gets called a nasty word by mean New York lady [get excited about THAT story tomorrow], or that everyone else got to fly with a buddy but I had to fly alone. It never once occurred to me to feel vulnerable there because I am confident that any on of those little ladies [seriously, I’m considered the giant] would have THROWN DOWN on anyone who looked at me wrong. And I would do the same for them.
There is deep comfort in community like that. There was a moment in Trump Tower where we all sat down to sip our Starbucks and rest our increasingly tired feet. The conversation was light and the company was easy. And for them it happens regularly. Rarely everyone together but regularly all the same. I’m so, so glad it happens regularly. I looked at my sister and said, “My heart aches with both joy and sorrow in this moment.” Because after a few days I go back to the place where I stand apart from that community. It’s unavoidable but it’s so good I can taste it when I’m a part of it.
My biggest fear is that my sweet friends here will think that I don’t appreciate YOUR community. I do! My missing of them does not eliminate my gratefulness for you. I could not survive without it. Quite simply, nothing connects you to people quite like flaws laid bare and whole life known. And we still love each other – like each other even. Grace.
And all I can do is ask God to continue to weave those threads of Grace and Time into my relationships here. And continue to choose to believe that He.Is.Good. And that He hears me when I call.
Coming later this week – the Day 3 and 4 wrap up. And then we will return to our regular programming!
I’m so grateful for all of you!