I am an island.

It’s no secret that living in Orlando was not my vote. It’s no secret that I miss our families and ache to live closer to them. I have, however, worked hard over the past couple of years to embrace the living here and make this our home – to stop living like it is temporary, if you will. God blessed us with really great friends – the kind that you drop in on without calling first and have honest conversations with about whatever may come up. They also happened to live two streets over. They are the kind of friends that had started to feel more like family than friends, and I was grateful. I am grateful. But then God moved them; we had a baby with a heart issue; and God provided us with a new house.

An island. That’s what I feel like a lot of the time. It’s not that there aren’t people – sweet, kind, loving, wonderful people – but a gal like me starts to feel like I’ve overused my favors. I worry that people feel obligated. I always feel like I should be able to handle this by myself. God did, after all, slap it on my plate. It’s my first-born-must-be-independent-and-take-care-of-everything-without-whining-itis. What I fail to see is that God has given me community beyond anything I could create on my own – beyond anything I could ask or imagine. I only have to accept it.

Exhibit A:

Friday – feeling like I might hyper-ventilate because of the amount of things that must be done. Exhaustion from working to get Marilee on a schedule because she has a heart condition that requires her to take her meds every 8 hours. She cannot eat within an hour of taking said meds which means a regimented schedule is vital to making sure she gets fed when she’s hungry and takes her meds when she is supposed to. Also, I have a spirited, talkative, slightly defiant three year old. The ramifications of those three sentences alone make me want to close all the curtains and hole up in my bedroom. Add the fact that we are moving – as in buying a house, painting, and doing a little demo work – in the next two weeks, and you have the ingredients for a gen-u-wine psychotic break! I just kept saying in my head, “I am an island. I have to get it together. I am an island. I have to make it happen by myself. Lord, I might hyperventilate. I am an island, God. How am I going to do this? I need help! I’m such a wimp. People handle stuff that’s harder than this all the time.” And then, miraculously, I get a text from a friend offering to keep Adelle. Just like that, God showed up.

Saturday – Adelle hung out with said friend and her kiddos. She had a blast. Have I mentioned that in the midst of all this I constantly feel like Adelle isn’t getting what she needs from me? That I feel like we are failing her as parents because there just isn’t enough of us to go around? That every time I “farm her out” I feel like I’m chipping chunks of her security away? This is not a joke. I really feel these things. I sobbed as I told my Mama about all of this because nobody understands like your Mama. No one gives good advice like MY Mama, either 🙂 AND, Adelle had a great time! She was home for nap and had a great rest of the afternoon. No signs of decreased security!

Sunday – The sermon was about feeling alone. The worship laced with the power of Jesus and his name, his awareness of our loneliness, and the fact that we are more than conquerors in him. As the crowd was crushing him, Jesus reached out to the bleeding woman. Our pastor kept pinpointing her loneliness – the isolation she must have felt! She.was.an.island. Her faith was the bridge that connected her to Jesus. I actually chuckled through the entire service because, once again, He went ahead of me and met me in my need.

I just wanted to say that every day hour is a battle. A real and true battle to choose Strength, Joy, Trust, Love, Grace, and Hope. Sometimes there is victory. Sometimes there is defeat, but through it all there is desire – a desire to walk with Jesus in goodness and light. I’m so grateful and humbled that this is enough for him! Do you believe it’s enough?

Keep on keepin’ it down and dirty. Love y’all like crazy!

5 Comments

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  1. 1
    Ashley S

    I love reading your journey. I often feel just a few steps behind you and can really relate. It is a CHOICE to trust him each hour. Hope the move goes well!

  2. 2
    Kimberly

    Thank you Emily! You are so brave!!!!!! You write things that I cannot seem to articulate; our situations are so different but I relate to you so completely! hope move in day works like a charm!!

  3. 3
    Gra'ma

    The Trials that God places on your plate are often Opportunities for serving Him that He places in the lives of others. So don't fret about being SUPER Mom, Wife, Friend, etc. etc. because you already are!! Adelle and Marilee will learn from you to accept the loving help of friends. Love you!

  4. 4
    Mandy David

    Wow!!! Thank you for sharing. I felt like you are describing my life except my kids are older and my hubby travels. Thanks for saying the things we think but don't always voice!!!

  5. 5
    Stacey Thacker

    It is amazing the amount of conversation we can have with ourselves that NO one hears, cause it is all in our own heads. But the good thing is that He hears

    Always.

    Praying for you.

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