I am struggling this week. Fo’ reals.
Upon coming out of the blur that was August 28-December 31, our family is now trying to figure out how to function as a unit of four instead of three. January marked the end of survival mode and the beginning of thrival [so not a word but it sounds pretty] mode – I was hoping for that, anyway.
Everyone said going from one to two is really hard. Mentally I had prepared for really hard, no sleep, no time. I wasn’t blown away by any of that. I mean, it’s hard and I’m tired and I’d love to have a day off, but I had braced myself for it. This being a mother of two, though – that I was not prepared for. It had not occurred to me that the part where Adelle is no longer my only baby and has thus transformed from the sweet little sugar of wonderfulness to the kid who pretty much seems disgusted with my every word and/or move. In addition to, and perhaps because of this, I am increasingly annoyed with her incessant talking and constant demanding of attention, which I feel guilty about. Throw in the fact that I can choose to clean the house, which absolutely needs it, or try to develop some plan of action for creating enjoyable situations for Adelle when she is home tomorrow and couple THAT with the fact that Marilee has decided that naps [and sometimes eating] are no longer for her, and I feel like I’m going to scream most of the time, which I also feel guilty about.
THEN there’s the fact that I have all this creativity DYING to be released somewhere – on a computer screen, in the dirt outside, on the walls and walls of emptiness in our home – but when, I ask you, should I release this creativity?
You probably think that I need some more Jesus in my life. That’s the problem, you may say. However, me and Jesus are all kinds of hanging out. He would be the reason I don’t scream [most of the time].
Some of you have 3, 4, and 5 kids and you think I sound like a big, fat baby. I accept this entirely and acknowledge that you are probably right, but this is where I am right now. Struggling to figure out whether or not God’s asking me to give up the creativity that matters to me or the clean house that matters to The Hunk or the good mothering that matters to my girls or bits and pieces of it all – because something’s gotta give.
Today, it’s mostly the clean house:
Any wisdom at all that can be offered here will be gladly accepted. Other than that, I hope someone else out there is feeling me!