It’s not even 8 am and this day already feels like a hard one. There has been no tragedy. All is well in The Blackwell home. But I woke up this morning and plodded to the kitchen to turn on my coffee. I immediately collapsed on the couch and fell back asleep to the clicks and pops of my Joe a drippin’.
I woke up no less than five times last night. Five. Three of which forced me out of bed to pee. Again. Jude is big and dropping down into the exact position he should be in to exit my body – and also the exact position that makes ever movement uncomfortable. I am hot – when I lie down and when I wake. Hot all day long.
I do not do pregnancy well. Have I mentioned that? I don’t. I don’t do these last several weeks well AT ALL. I feel cranky and lazy and my poor family is reduced to extending grace to the Sea Witchiest version of myself. I do my best. They do, too. But really I just want for no one to say words to me or touch me or ask me for things before daylight has even peaked over the horizon.
I want to be selfish.
So, this morning, as I dozed in an out of my coffee brewing snooze, I envisioned myself on my knees before God begging for – I don’t know – something. Eyes that see even though they cannot even stay open for any length of time. Grace enough to get through this day and handle the things that matter. When you’re trying to sell a house, you, apparently, are supposed to try to keep it picked up at all times…
Hi. I have two small children whom I refuse to bark at all the time about not playing in what is supposed to be their safest space. I refuse. So, we will leave this house in two hours until lunch time. I will clean up what I can but I will not kill myself because there are other things that matter more than the Sea Witch in her worst, scary form – all big with the crown on her head. There are things like little girls who need to be seen, a soul that needs space to think and breathe and relish, and friendships that need to be nurtured and focused upon. House to sell or no – I cannot keep working to prove – whatever it is I’m trying to prove.
All I can do is not be enough and instead let Jesus be enough for me.