Getting Back on the Horse

So, I’ve told you all about our family. About Marilee and Adelle and how they’re growing and changing. I figured I may as well tell you about how I’m growing and changing, too. I wish it was all glow-y and fuzzy and as simple as choosing to be brave enough to ride the pony. Mostly I feel like this all of the time:

My lessons seem to involve things that are a bit more life altering than pony-riding, but I suppose – if you stop and consider the relative significance, I’m no different than Adelle – standing at the end of the line considering whether or not I can muster up the courage while God quietly whispers words of “You can” into my ear.

I had a meltdown yesterday. The kind where you slam drawers and bang dishes around just because you’re ticked and you want everyone to know it. I yelled at Josh and pretty much made everyone’s afternoon super enjoyable. It was an epic fail. It’s been building for several days now – the panic of handling life as we know it. Yesterday was my flailing day – the “No, I will not get on the back of this massive creature and actually ride it,” moment.

What is life as we know it? It’s a defiant but magnificent three year old. It’s a miracle of an infant whose heart’s health depends upon whether or not I give her medicine at the right times. It’s a marriage that’s been hanging out on the back burner since somewhere around July. It’s a house in boxes. It’s that battle with loneliness that seems to linger on forever – the heart sting that strikes every time I see pictures of family together or walk down Euston and see someone else living in The Harper’s house. It’s the awareness that a great deal of work lies ahead of us if we are to build more family-like relationships here. It’s hard.

It’s also resting in a relationship with a man who has been my best friend since we were sixteen – back burner or no, we are in this for the long haul. It’s an upcoming trip to Louisiana that will refill my community tank, at least for a little while. It’s that three year old that makes us laugh daily and that infant whose heart is doing just fine. It’s parents who will make the fourteen hour drive to help us move! It’s a beautiful new home that we get to call our own and USE to build that community we long for.

*Here’s the “horse” story I am referencing just in case you have no idea what I was talking about!

On and on it goes – back and forth, back and forth – the hard and the good. My fears, God’s reassurances. And today? Today I’m going to be brave. Today I’m going to search for Joy. Today I’m climbing on the horse.

3 Comments

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  1. 1
    Gran

    Dear Emma pemma
    I am 73 and have no children at home but today I was running errands and a guy turned out in front of me and I screamed at him as loud as I could even though he had the right of way. Fortunately no one could hear me with the windows up. I think sometimes it is healthy to explode. Thing about it, afterwards we start all over and accept our plight. You have too many people praying for you, so you will make it. I just wish I could have been a fly on the wall when you yelled at Josh. Seems so out of character for you. See you soon. I love you.

  2. 2
    Jaimee

    So good to hear from your heart again, sweet friend. I've missed it. And you. And the weird, but strangely comforting, virtual friendship 🙂 Looking forward to hearing more of what He's teaching you and seeing that gorgeous house next time I'm in town! Love you!

  3. 3
    Gra'ma

    Oh,Emily! I see so much of myself in you at times. At 78, would you believe I still have some of those drawer-slamming pot-banging moments in my life? As for riding the horse, yes, fears often get in the way of accomplishing something I really want to do, but I've learned the fear is much worse than the actual deed!

    I love how much Adelle trusts you and how patient you are as she ponders the situation and then the light of bravery in her eyes as she accepts the challenge. As she trusts you and Josh, so will she learn to trust God.

    You have had a very stressful couple of months so don't try to be Super Mom, Super Wife, etc. etc. all the time. But you know all that. 🙂 Love you all so much!

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