Confessions

I thought I’d do a little bit of everything sort of post. All I can promise is that it will be truthful…and maybe a little sloppy. Read at your own risk.

1. There are so many things about motherhood I am deeply moved by – desperately in love with. Like watching Adelle’s heart unfold in front of my eyes…watching her little God-created spirit bloom, her kindness evolve, her compassion grow, and her interests pop against the backdrop of life – it’s humbling and fascinating and I cannot believe I get to be a part of it, for her and the other two behind her.

2. One thing about motherhood that I am flat fed up with is the clean up of other people’s bodily fluids. I feel like I am forever wiping hineys, washing sheets, and suctioning snot. Y’all – I’m just not a fan. It’s a thing that I cannot seem to get used to. I mean, I do it, obviously. And it’s not like a shocking thing when it happens, but when it does, I always think, “Oh. My. Gooooooosh.” Every single time.

3. I used to send cards. Like, I would spend an hour or more in Hallmark carefully handpicking the cards that made me laugh and think of one particular person. It was my thing, and I genuinely loved doing it. I even had a stockpile of funny cards that I was saving for just the right recipient at just the right time. I don’t even know what it would be like anymore – to stand in any place for an hour or more just reading cards. I feel a little sad about that.

4. Adelle is starting kindergarten next year. At a place that is not my home. We are in a massive struggle of both faith and reality as we choose what’s best for her and what can actually be afforded. As I enjoyed the no sleep curse of pregnancy last night, I could hardly bear the thought of sending her anywhere all day every day next year. I don’t want her to stay home. She doesn’t want to stay home. I know that it’s time, but I think that I’m having a hard time letting go…and I never thought I’d be a mom who had a hard time letting go.

5. I am genuinely struggling with asking God for much of anything in regard to this pregnancy because my baby-having experiences, no matter how diligently I’ve prayed for them, have not gone smoothly in the past. I think I am masking my lack of belief in God’s desire to give me a good experience with an “I trust His plan,” attitude. Really what I feel is weary, and whatever, and let’s get this over with. I’m sad about that, but I don’t really know how to deal with it.

 

And there you have it. The things that have been bouncing around in my head this week. What’s been bouncing around in yours??

4 Comments

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  1. 1
    Emily

    Hahahaha! I was really puzzled over that one. I knew it was an auto correct mess up but I couldn't figure out what you meant đŸ™‚

  2. 2
    Emily

    Aunt Tara, your list just made me choke up a little because it really is all so much and so very fast. Thanks for sharing…it's always nice to know that we are all mostly fighting the same battle – just in different times and locations. Love you!

  3. 4
    Tara Toberts

    Oh sweet Em. I understand and these will all just evolve into a new "updated" list as the years march on.
    1. I am floored and saddened and proud and worried conversing with my still 12 year old daughter who practically looks me straight in the eye confidently and lovingly and vulnerably sounding like a 20something only even more grounded than a 20somethinv that she is growing too fast, slipping from innocence too quickly, losing childhood giddiness all too fast.
    2. I listen to my 8 to son say things that blow my mind and struggle giving him the feedback and response he needs to nurture his dynamic personality.
    3. My heart aches for my daughter who worries more about her friends salvation than she does how she looks or who likes her.
    4. I over analyze and under estimate my sons uti be consumption bc life is generally no longer precious.

    So I understand. God knows and He is my only comfort.

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